


Haze

by rambunctiousEmpress (riotingGoddess)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cats, Crying, Death, Emotional Constipation, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Surprise Ending, Tsukishima can't confess because he's an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 23:49:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7458418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riotingGoddess/pseuds/rambunctiousEmpress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima prided himself in being detached from the world and all its trivialities. Until he realizes he's in love with his best friend.</p>
<p>Despite what other people think, Tsukishima can't handle the tide of emotions that sweep him away.</p>
<p>He was drowning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Haze

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Grinning_Sunflower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grinning_Sunflower/gifts).



> This is my debut as a fanfic writer in the Haikyuu fandom! Please enjoy.

Tsukishima prided himself in being detached from the world and all its trivialities. He did not get needlessly excited over nothing like Hinata, or easily angered like the King, nor constantly smiling like Suga-san. He simply did not care, and he prided himself on that fact. Being too concerned would not be cool.

Until he found himself needlessly agitated at the realization that he, Tsukishima Kei, was in love.

It had been an accidental discovery of his feelings. In fact, Tsukishima hadn't meant to discover them. If he was given the option to, he would opt to never realize his feelings at all. The emotional baggage he found himself saddled with was crushing and Tsukishima wanted to be rid of the cause of all his problems.

On a particularly cold day, he realized that his feelings towards Yamaguchi were more than platonic.

It made him mad.

Despite his aloofness, Tsukishima is not made of stone. His demeanor might seem otherwise, but his feelings were simply a tide kept back by a large dam, not lost into the void most people would call his heart. When he came to the conclusion that he wanted to be with Yamaguchi as more than just a friend, the dam crumbled to dust, and Tsukishima was swept away with all the emotions he tried to keep locked away from the world.

Since his way of dealing with problems had been to keep them bottled up and wait for them to dissipate, he was not able to handle the wave of feelings that carried him away in a turbulent storm. He was being crushed, suffocated, by his feelings for Yamaguchi. It all came to him as a violent tide that he was unable to escape from. As a result of that emotional tide, he became very, very angry.

Tsukishima’s anger wasn't like Kageyama’s. He was the complete opposite of vocal. Instead of shouting and punching things, Tsukishima sat completely still, face dark and hands clenched into a tight ball. Anger, frustration, and other negative emotions were bubbling at the pit of his stomach and there was no way out.

Being overwhelmed with the surge of emotions, Tsukishima thought of only one logical answer to his problems. He'd have to shed the weight put on his shoulders. He'd have to cut ties with Yamaguchi.

It was easier said than done.

-

Friday night on January 8, just before Tsukishima went to sleep, Yamaguchi texted him, asking Tsukishima if he wanted to come with Yamaguchi tomorrow lunch to the opening of a bistro that Yamaguchi had been eyeing for weeks. Apparently, they had really good fries.

‘This is the perfect moment,’ Tsukishima thought.

If he declined now, denying any of Yamaguchi’s further invitations to hang out would be much easier. The first step is always the hardest, and Tsukishima would leap that first step and say goodbye to his problems forever.

As he was typing his response, a sharply worded decline along with a request for Yamaguchi to stop bothering him in the future, his phone buzzed with another message.

‘I heard they have really good strawberry shortcakes too!’ was the text. ‘They're your favourite, right?’

Surprised, Tsukishima pressed the backspace key before he could think rationally. “He remembered,” he mumbled to his empty room.

Of course, Yamaguchi being Yamaguchi, he would definitely remember something like that. Yamaguchi wasn't a forgetful person. Tsukishima didn't even know why he was surprised.

Before he could stop himself, he found his finger pressing ‘send’ on his phone. Lost in his thoughts, he stared in horror at the ‘sure’ he sent to Yamaguchi.

Within seconds, the others reply made his phone buzz.

‘Alright! Thanks Tsukki, see you tomorrow!’

No more texts came from Yamaguchi, and backing out now would be uncool. Sighing, Tsukishima set his phone aside and covered his eyes with his arm.

The pain and emotion he had been feeling ever since he realized he liked his best friend in a non-platonic way clenched at his heart and Tsukishima scowled. Quickly, he tried to come up with an excuse, a reason why he agreed, to calm his frantic heart.

It somehow soothes the flood if he tried to think of a rational reason why he wanted to go with Yamaguchi. ‘It would be rude if I can't even cut my ties in front of him,’ he thought. ‘At the very least, he needs to hear it in person.’

Satisfied, Tsukishima closed his eyes and fell asleep with those words swimming in his mind.

-

The way Yamaguchi looked was unfair.

Since this was the day he would finally break away from the unnecessary emotions weighing his shoulders, Tsukishima didn't bother trying to look good. He went about his normal routine and picked out a worn blue hoodie and black pants to go with his winter boots.

It was chilly outside.

When he saw Yamaguchi at their meeting point at the crossroads where they parted ways to go their respective houses, Tsukishima’s heart skipped a beat or two.

Yamaguchi wore a coat lined with faux fur over his red and black checkered shirt that matched his black pants that were neatly pressed. His shoes were fit for the snowy weather, yet classy at the same time. A green scarf that matched the pattern on his shirt was wrapped tightly around his neck. Fluffy white earmuffs covered his ears much like Tsukishima’s headphones.

Yamaguchi looked dressed for a date which this certainly wasn't.

When Yamaguchi saw him, he brought his earmuffs down and smiled, waving at Tsukishima. Instead of saying anything, Tsukishima brought his headphones to his neck to show that Yamaguchi was acknowledged.

They walked in comfortable silence, Yamaguchi leading the way for once since Tsukishima didn't know where to go. Within a few minutes, their ears turned pink from the biting cold.

Yamaguchi broke the silence with friendly chatter. Tsukishima barely participated in the conversation and when he did, it was half-hearted and lacking the usual bite and cynicism he had. Yamaguchi didn't notice.

Tsukishima’s heart ached.

-

Pushing the door open, Tsukishima sighed in relief as warm air greeted him. He took pleasure in knowing that when he breathed, his breaths didn't show in the form of white fog. Beside him, Yamaguchi seemed to share the same sentiments.

“It's nice that it's warm inside!” laughed Yamaguchi. The sound was like bells being rung by angels. “Right, Tsukki?”

Tsukishima’s mood dropped like a bomb. The irritation he felt at his own petty desire manifested as a scowl that made the pretty waitress who seated the two of them break a sweat and eye him shiftily when she thought he wasn't looking.

Yamaguchi sat across from him in the quaint booth with plush red chairs and smooth green tabletop. He was smiling at the waitress as he ordered a burger with a side of fries. Tsukishima bluntly asked for their strawberry shortcake.

If it was possible, Yamaguchi looked even happier when their food arrived. While waiting, the freckled boy passed the time by chittering on about trivial things that Tsukishima could hardly care less about. Even though Tsukishima looked sour and bitter, hardly talking at all, Yamaguchi still smiled like he was having the time of his life.

“Thank you!” said Yamaguchi as the waitress put their food and drinks down in front of them. Tsukishima said nothing. After asking them if they want anything else, to which both parties said no, the waitress disappeared into the kitchen.

The burger Yamaguchi ordered certainly looked appetizing, and the fries (which Yamaguchi had been after) looked delicious. Tsukishima’s own cake appeared decadent as well. It had three layers with some graham at the bottom and creamy filling in the middle sandwiched between two slices of vanilla, topped with a flaky white chocolate frosting with a generous heap of whipped cream and a strawberry resting daintily on top the tower of perfection.

Suddenly, Tsukishima wished he hadn't eaten lunch before coming to the bistro, just so he could try more of their food.

Yamaguchi pointed that out. “Why didn't you order anything else, Tsukki?” he asked tentatively before taking a bite out of his burger.

Shrugging, Tsukishima took a small slice of the cake cleanly before cutting that piece into halves. He noted the softness of the cakes as the knife cut through it. Taking his fork, he brought one half of the sliced piece to his mouth and swallowed. The texture is sinfully fluffy and the taste hit his tongue like a truck. After swallowing the cake, he quickly shovelled its half in his mouth.

Some, if not all, of his enthusiasm must have shown on his face because Yamaguchi commented on it, abandoning his previous question. “Wow! You must really like the cake, huh?”

Tsukishima swallowed his cake and forced the blush rising to die down. Yamaguchi didn't say anything, so his embarrassment was concealed.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima’s usual response to anything Yamaguchi says.

“Sorry, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi’s usual response to the aforementioned phrase.

Silently, as he ate, Tsukishima contemplated telling Yamaguchi that he wanted to cut ties. It seemed unfair, since they were having fun, but now is as good a time as any other.

“Yamaguchi.”

As if the universe laughed at his face and enjoyed his misfortune, he spoke the same time as Yamaguchi. Unfortunately for Tsukishima, he heard what his best friend said. It was jumbled, and Tsukishima’s voice nearly drowned it out, but in Tsukishima’s head, it resounded like a church bell.

“I wish everyday could be like this,” Yamaguchi had sighed wistfully.

All the feeling and confidence of being able to say goodbye to Yamaguchi was drained from Tsukishima’s body. He knew, in that moment, that it would be cruel to try and leave Yamaguchi’s life forever while the other was having so much fun.

As if taunting his indecisiveness further, Yamaguchi smiled and then laughed his beautiful, angelic laugh. “Sorry, Tsukki. What were you saying?”

Lamely, Tsukishima covered up his intentions with something that might be believable. “The cake is good.”

‘Pathetic,’ he thought to himself.

This surprised Yamaguchi and for a moment, Tsukishima was afraid that Yamaguchi would realize that he was lying. Until Yamaguchi beamed excitedly, like he poured his heart into the cake itself.

“I'm glad you liked it!” Yamaguchi laughed, his eyes twinkling. “Honestly, I was worried you won't like the cake here. I've been looking for a place with this kind of cake. You're really picky when it comes to this, Tsukki.”

On reflex, Tsukishima said, “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

Although Yamaguchi still grinned like an excited child, Tsukishima noticed the light in his eyes dim. “Sorry, Tsukki.”

They finished their food in silence.

-

Days flew by, and Tsukishima couldn't achieve his goal of cutting ties with Yamaguchi.

Every time a chance presented itself, Yamaguchi would say something that would sap the will from Tsukishima and the blonde would cease his efforts for the day.

Tsukishima always told himself, ‘Tomorrow, I'll do it,’ but tomorrow, he'd say the same thing. The day after tomorrow, Tsukishima would say that to himself. The day after that, the day after that day after that, he would say the same thing. A week had passed and Tsukishima failed to even suggest never seeing Yamaguchi outside of school.

Seeing as how the forces of the universe kept preventing him from saying what he wanted to say, he resolved to never speak anything about his emotions. Ever.

-

On January 15th at 12:50 noon, Tsukishima was on his way home from the music store. He had just been browsing without the intent of purchasing anything, just to clear his head.

As he passed by the kids playground, he spotted Yamaguchi, swinging by himself. Even though it was a weekend, there were no kids in sight.

Without meaning to, Tsukishima found himself walking towards Yamaguchi. Before he realized it, he had sat himself on the empty swing beside the freckled boy.

They sat in silence for a while.

Thoughts whirled in Tsukishima’s head, but Yamaguchi was the first to speak.

Yamaguchi had always been soft-spoken, but Tsukishima never heard his voice this quiet. “Hey, Tsukki,” he stopped swinging lazily to look at Tsukishima. “Do you hate me?”

The question came out of nowhere and took Tsukishima by surprise. It showed on his face for a split second before he was able to put on the usual mask of indifference he wore. Yamaguchi noticed though, he always notices.

Rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, he elaborated. “I mean, lately, you've been kind of distant.” The words trailed off as he ended his sentence. Tsukishima had to strain his ears to even hear Yamaguchi. “More than usual anyway.”

He probably didn't mean to, but Yamaguchi’s words stung like salt rubbed on a festering wound.

Thankfully, a distraction came to them in the form of a sleek, black cat. Oddly, the cat sent chills down Tsukishima’s spine.

Oblivious to the negativity the animal seemed to radiate, Yamaguchi gingerly picked it up and put it on his lap. It purred happily and nuzzled into his hand. Yamaguchi smiled.

Unfortunately, the cat couldn't steal Yamaguchi’s attention forever and soon enough, he was looking at Tsukishima expectantly.

“I don't hate you,” his eyes landed everywhere except for Yamaguchi. It took a lot longer for Tsukishima to reply than he'd like. Yamaguchi's eyes fell on the cat in his lap.

Another moment of silence fell between them.

“Ah,” Yamaguchi suddenly said, “that's good.” He was still petting the cat, but a smile made its way on his face. “I'm glad.” Momentarily pausing his petting, Yamaguchi turned to Tsukishima and grinned. It didn't reach his eyes. He looked back at the cat and resumed petting. “I don't think I can ever hate you, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima didn't have an answer to that.

Suddenly, the cat leapt from Yamaguchi’s lap, startling both of them. It looked back at them, purring and flicking its tail haughtily before running away. Yamaguchi jumped up from the swing and began chasing after it. Tsukishima followed suit.

“Wait!” cried Yamaguchi, eyes locked on the cat.

The cat paused, turned around and mewed before dashing forward across the street.

In his haste to reclaim the cat, Yamaguchi ran faster.

When Yamaguchi began chasing the cat, Tsukishima had only been jogging lazily after them. There was no point in expending his energy. As Yamaguchi neared the street, however, he shouted in alarm and broke into a sprint.

The lights were red.

Even if his legs were longer and he ran as fast as he could, it wasn't enough. “Yamaguchi!” he warned. In a vain attempt to call out for his best friend, his secret crush, Tsukishima reached his hand out.

Tsukishima’s voice managed to break Yamaguchi from his trance. Turning around, Tsukishima could see Yamaguchi’s face clearly as he frowned in confusion. Tsukishima hardly never yelled and they both knew that.

A truck’s blaring horn drowned out everything else as it zoomed across the road, painting everything in bright, bright red.

It was as if the world stood still as Yamaguchi’s body shattered under the force of the vehicle slamming into him. Tsukishima screamed, but his ears rang.

When Yamaguchi’s body collided with the concrete, Tsukishima fell right beside him, clutching his shoulders desperately. He was yelling at Yamaguchi, for him to stay awake. Weakly, Yamaguchi smiled and reached a hand up to touch Tsukishima’s cheek. Yamaguchi accidentally smeared blood all over Tsukishima’s face as he brushed his hand over his cheek.

“O-oi!” Tsukishima stuttered. At any other moment, he would have chided himself for sounding pathetic, being pathetic, but this time, he could hardly care less. “Stay awake, Yamaguchi. Don't die on me!”

Yamaguchi tried to laugh, but all that came out of his mouth was a fountain of blood. He began to cough.Tsukishima tried to alleviate him by rubbing tender circles in his back. After the coughing spurt died down, Yamaguchi smiled.

Gently, tenderly, he cupped Tsukishima’s face with both hands and whispered softly. “Sorry, Tsukki.” The words were garbled, but nonetheless, it made Tsukishima regret never admitting his feelings for Yamabuchi.

Yamaguchi gently swiped his fingers under Tsukishima’s eyes and the blonde belatedly realized that he was crying. Being fatally injured, Yamaguchi missed some of the tears and they dropped onto his own cheeks.

From across the road, the cat stared at them with its head cocked to the side.

Tsukishima ignored the blasted thing in favour of holding Yamaguchi closer. He could feel the blood on Yamaguchi’s face on his neck, feel Yamaguchi’s pulse, his breath. Tsukishima didn't want to let go.

With the change of position, Yamaguchi let go of Tsukishima’s face, opting to cling to the back of his shirt instead.

“Don't die, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima pleaded, though it sounded more like a desperate demand. Yamaguchi’s fingers tightened on Tsukishima’s shirt. “We can go back to that cafe again, you can order as many fries as you want, just don't you dare die on me!”

Tsukishima felt Yamaguchi patting his back in an attempt to comfort him. “It's okay, Tsukki,” came the weak response. “I'm sorry.”

The pats slowed, before stopping. Then Yamaguchi’s hands fell from his back. Tsukishima couldn't feel Yamaguchi’s laboured breaths, or his pulse.

With trepidation, his mind tried to work around the fact that Yamaguchi was dead.

Without caring if someone saw him, or if he was uncool, Tsukishima wailed, cradling Yamaguchi’s head in his hands. His tears cascaded like a waterfall down his cheeks and his entire being shook with grief. So much grief.

“You can't be gone yet,” he cried, “you can't be dead. Don't leave me. Don't leave me alone, please, Yamaguchi.”

I haven't told you I love you yet.

**Author's Note:**

> That's the end! I'm working on a sequel so please stay tuned. If you haven't noticed, this fic is based on the song Kagerou Days. With that in mind, I'm sure you all know what's coming next. If you spot any grammatical or spelling errors, please tell me so I can fix it!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
